Media Manipulation

Violence on TV and films affects us all

It’s Sunday evening. Zubair intends to spend the entire evening in front of his television. That’s the only way to relax after a neck-breaking schedule. “With a pack of popcorn and ice cream scoop, TV viewing is surely the best thing,” he thinks flipping through channels, but gets bored only after an hour. There’s nothing but the same old movies, plays and songs. He’s looking for something exciting — full of action, thrill and romance that can take him away from his monotonous world. Finally, he gets what he wants — a high-rated American movie on a famous movie channel. The filthy violent and obscene images captivate him for an hour. After watching some vulgar videos for another hour, he goes to sleep. Throughout the night, he keeps on dreaming himself as a victim, attacked by monsters that brutally dragged and killed him after destroying his family.The next morning, when he wakes up, he’s sleepy and has a headache. Though images from the idiot box don’t haunt him anymore, he’s more anxious about the people around him. On his way to office, a horrifying road accident doesn’t move him at all as he’s seen many violent scenes on screen. However, he feels sick and depressed all day long.Whether you’re a student, professional or a housewife, you experience more or less the same if you are one of the TV junkies. Television has become part and parcel of our lives. It entertains and accompanies us, and perhaps influences us more than anything else. With economic prosperity, now an average household has more than one TV set which enables the youngsters to watch TV on their own without any parental guidance or control.Violence and gender issues are popular themes of the entertainment industry and have always been fantasized in literature, art, folklores, fiction and history. In modern times, television has outclassed all other media as a source of entertainment and education. It portrays larger than life images that glamorize violence and sex to lure the masses and thereby earn profits in the world of commercialism and consumerism.In about 3,000 studies conducted over four decades, researchers have determined that a steady diet of violent and obscene entertainment does contribute to anti-social and aggressive activities when added to other factors such as violence in the home and neighborhood. Seeing violence and obscenity on television can affect us in many ways. However, the three areas of possible emotional effects that are highlighted in the report areDESENSITIZATION: People may become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; FEAR AND ANXIETY: People may be more anxious and fearful of the world around them; HOSTILITY: People may be more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways towards others. It has been proved in several studies that exposure to intense media violence quickly incites hostile feelings and can also lead to a rather enduring hostile mental framework that affects even close interpersonal relations. Heavy doses of violent and obscene content contribute to our nightmares and long-term anxieties developed in an early age and often immune us to acts of violence and vulgarity in real life. Studies by George Gerbner, PhD, at the University of Pennsylvania, for example, have shown that children’s TV shows contain about 20 violent acts each hour and also that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place.“ Children who watch violent shows, even ‘just funny’ cartoons, are more likely to hit out at their playmates, argue, disobey class rules, leave tasks unfinished, and are less willing to wait for things than those who watch non-violent programs,” says Aletha Huston of the University of Kansas. Early researches on the effects of pornography and violence in the media indicated limited influence, suggesting that the impact varied from individual to individual. Some persons reacted more than others. For example, one study showed that some youths who had watched a movie in which a victim was burned to death went out and committed exactly the same kind of crime. But obviously not everyone who saw the movie committed the crime. However, later researches began to show more direct effects, especially on children and young people. As television has become the dominant mass medium and pre-school children in their formative years spend more time watching TV and less time with their parents, teachers and religious leaders, it’s logical that their values, beliefs, customs and traditions are dictated by television. One such study, for example, a 1987 survey of 2,760 randomly selected 14-to-16-year-olds, determined that adolescents who engaged in risky behavior (sexual intercourse, drinking, cigarette and marijuana smoking, cheating, stealing, truancy, and driving a car without permission) were more likely to spend more time listening to the radio and watching music videos and movies on television than those who didn’t. According to a seven-year statistical analysis by University of Washington professor Brandon Center, half of the murders in North America can be attributed directly or indirectly to television viewing. According to the American Psychological Association, the typical TV-watching American child will witnesses 8,000 murders and 10,000 acts of violence in its lifetime. The case is not much different in Pakistan as now our children also have equal exposure to all types of Indian, American and native channels, thanks to cable television and parents who often use television as a baby sitter. Cartoons, which are meant for children, are rated among the most violent programs. Violence on TV is increasing all over the world. In 1980, for example, the most violent prime-time show registered 22 acts of violence per hour. In 1992, one show registered 60 acts of violence per hour, and in 2012, it most probably increased fourfold in number. Increasingly, social scientists have found a link between media violence and aggressive behavior in society.

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Deadly Diagnosis published in Daily Dawn Magazine

Deadly Diagnosis and Hospitals

HOW would it sound if your family doctor revealed, “Your ultrasound shows stones in both the kidneys.” Certainly it would make you feel terrible. The world would suddenly appear gloomy and life would seem meaningless. You often hear the saying, ‘health is wealth’. But you never understand it literally until you get seriously ill or a routine check-up reveals that you are suffering from a serious disease. You die a slow death after learning about the ailment, which is precipitated by vicious tests and treatment.

Sometime back, I was suffering from severe pain in the lower part of the stomach. When the ultrasound specialist passed her judgment before the final report, “You have been punished for consuming less water. Look here, you have numerous stones in both your kidneys,” I stared at her rather nervously. The physician advised me to get the IVP (Intra-violet pelvic X-rays) done to verify ultrasound results. It is an extensive test requires special preparations. Two days prior to the test were full of tension. I felt weak, sick and vulnerable. My family members were upset too, blaming contaminated water and unhygienic food for the problem.

A typical ultrasound and Xray room in a local hospital

A night before the IVP, I took four dalculus tablets as the radiologist instructed me to visit him with an empty tummy. The next morning, I found myself unable to stand on my feet due to an upset stomach. With difficultly, I reached the clinic but was told that I was still not ready for the test.“You should take two more tablets and come tomorrow with a completely clean stomach,” the radiologist suggested. But I opted to wait and after an hour was able to fulfil the test requirements. It was a trying experience of two hours. Drained and weak, I could not recover from the test effects in the next few days. However, my exertion transformed into anger when the reports showed no signs of stones in the kidneys. When I protested, the doctor concerned commented in a lighter vein, “Should the report be positive to satisfy you? You must be thankful to God. Go, pray, and hit the bed.” She did not realize that my family and I had suffered a lot due to her wrong diagnosis and hasty judgment.

To wrongly diagnose is a dangerous practice. It can become even life-threatening if a patient receives wrong treatment because of that. One of my uncles lost his life due to doctors’ sheer negligence. The only son of the family, he was diagnosed with ulcer when he had just turned 30. As it was required for the treatment, he ate only boiled vegetables for a year that turned him from a healthy, lively young man into a frail figure. Afterwards, taking a friend’s advice, he consulted a renowned Hakim who aggravated the disease by prescribing him strong Majoons and Khamirs. In the last stages of his life, an oncologist discovered that he had developed acute intestinal cancer, spread in the entire body. “Had the ailment been traced earlier, it could be cured. Now we can just try to make his death less painful,” the doctor informed his wife and parents. He died only after a month, but the incident sprang many a question to our minds. One of them was: “Is there no way to penalize his killers — the so-called mesiahs who have taken many lives because of their ignorance?”

a roadside quack often trusted by native public in search of quick and afforable cure

Be it a general physician or a homeopath, you can’t trust any of them. To provide verity to the observation, a neighbour told me how her wish to have a child was exploited by a homeopath practising in the PIB Colony. She was referred to him by her in- laws when she couldn’t conceive in the first three years of marriage. The homeopath gave her an injection every month that stopped her menstrual cycle. As a result, she put on weight and was declared pregnant. The quack strictly prohibited pregnancy test and medicine for safety of the child. However, when the woman didn’t notice any other symptoms, she secretly consulted a gynaecologist. To her shock, she discovered that she was not pregnant. The homeopath simply deceived her and looted a large amount in the name of treatment. Consequently, she suffered severe hormonal disturbance, obesity and depression.

Famous hospitals and specialists mean greater hassle for patients. Long waiting lists for appointments, hefty fees, costly medicines, infinite tests and eternal wait in labs and clinics are enough to unnerve a person. No matter if you are pregnant, severely ill or injured; most hospitals follow routine procedures, irrespective of patients’ condition. Many a time doctors prescribe unnecessary tests and treatment. Even for minor ailments like flu, fever, dehydration and aches, they hospitalize patients on the pretext of observing an unseen complexity. Whether the patient gets better or not, the hospital is sure to be benefited with huge hospitalization charges.

Human beings are prone to err, but a doctor’s mistake can cost a person his life. So they must be very careful, competent and efficient in their profession. May Allah bless us all with good health, Ameen!

Before it’s too late…! published in Dawn Magazine

Before it's too late illustrated by Khalida Haq for Dawn Newspaper

lonely or opt to be lonely

It was Sunday morning. The Hamid family was relaxing after brunch when the news arrived that their aunt was taken to hospital after a severe paralysis stroke. She is the only sister of Hamid, yet they are not in contact with her for last 15 years. Despite living in the same city, the two families are virtually parted due to some disputes. However, the sad news abridged all differences and led them to hospital.  Hamid met his sister after a long time. They couldn’t speak much yet their tearful eyes and body language expressed their feelings.

It’s not the trauma of a single family. Nowadays, every second family is facing the crisis of declining values and broken relations. In fact many of us have accepted it as a part of modern lifestyle. The parents who devote all their energies for the well-being of their children are usually abandoned by the same in old age. The siblings with whom we spend and share the best part of our lives suddenly become enemies as they grow up. While the uncles and aunts, who were once close to our hearts, are forgotten as strangers. 

In most people’s lives, marriage is a turning point that dramatically reduces status of other relations. In today’s world, spouse and children are considered enough liabilities, while blood relatives and friendships are often taken for granted.  Most of us are not willing to give much, but expect a lot from our dear ones. This attitude of ignorance and high expectations is the core reason for hard feelings in the families. 

Mrs. Kazmi is the mother of three. Though her children are well-settled, yet they do not keep any contact with their mother and she is bound to live alone. Mrs. Aslam has a different story. In presence of eligible boys in family, she expected good proposals for her four educated daughters from the family. However, her own relatives ignored them and went for good-looking, rich girls for their sons. This indifference alienated her from her family

How some couples feel when children leave them alone in old age

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Matters of inheritance, business, marriage, and disputes over rights, interests, expectations and values are the common reasons of differences in any family. Quite often our selfish approach and false ego separate us from our dear ones. But when we leave someone who love and care for us, we actually make ourselves lonely. If we look around, we will find thousands of isolated people who are actually the prisoners of their rigid principles and egoistic decisions. They break hearts and ridicule sentiments in lust of money, power and better options. But time comes when they become subject of divine justice and find themselves helpless and dejected.

The question is why should we wait for a bad news, an accident, a heart attack or a warning from nature before we reconcile with our separated near and dear ones? Do we have any right to shed tears at the death or injury of someone, whom we deserted in their lives? Is it useful to build a tomb and arrange soyems, chehlums and fatehas for someone who was longing for our love and support throughout his/her life? Doesn’t it show that we are murdaparast (dead-lovers)? We acknowledge our leaders, artists, scholars and even well-wishers only when they die!   

We should make people feel important in their lives and ensure it to be there when they need us, in moments of sorrows and joys. What do you think? Share if you care & leave your comments on my blog…!

Imported Groom and Brides– the other side of story

Marium enthusiastically informed her friends that proposal of an engineer came for her who’s settled in America and she would fly to New York in a month after Nikah.“What a lucky girl! May God bless all damsels in the same way, “an old woman commented in her Mayoon function. Independent and prosperous life in a land of opportunities with new life partner was a dream come true for Marium like many Pakistani girls. So she left her homeland and family for a fresh start with lots of apprehensions and dreams.

 Her divorce only after a year shocked everyone. Depressed and shattered, she returned with bitter memories. The friends and family members who had once envied her now treated her scornfully. She passed through the most traumatic experience of her life. There was no one to protect her from severe beatings and mental torture. Initially she blamed herself and tried her best to please her husband, who had adopted drinking, gambling and nightclubs as a lifestyle. She suffered everything silently unless her husband brutally beaten her and aborted her child. Even then she wanted to save her marriage and was hesitant to visit her parents back home. However, she was forcefully sent back and soon received divorce papers from her husband.

 Nighat’s pretty and educated. She’d rejected many proposals. “Traveling is my passion and the only way to fulfill it is to marry a guy settled abroad,” she argued with her parents. Ultimately she met her Mr. Right. Rizwan, a computer engineer in Canada, visited Pakistan to attend a family marriage. They had wide age difference. However she overlooked it for her dream life. Nighat’s parents didn’t have enough time to inquire about Rizwan so a family friend was contacted on phone for information and soon they tied a nuptial knot.

 After the honey moon, Rizwan went back. Nighat had to wait for two years to get visa and join him. She was extremely shocked on her arrival in Canada when she discovered that Rizwan was already married and had two kids from her first wife. She didn’t give up and stayed there despite threats and maltreatment from first wife of her husband. But when her spouse refused to divorce his first wife and assaulted her frequently, she had to come back empty-handed.

 Young generation fascinated by larger than life media images wants to live anywhere except their own country. Parents also overlook many drawbacks in case of foreign proposals including age, family, cast and even values for better future of their children.

Mrs. Humaira Khalid, owner of a marriage bureau in Karachi, says that green-card holder girls and boys are hot cakes in the native marriage market. Most parents prefer less qualified, middle-aged overseas grooms for their girls than local ones. Boys who want to settle abroad and are looking for shortcuts also go for average-looking green card holders than Pakistani girls.

 Normally marriage bureaus and matchmakers don’t take the responsibility of overseas proposals. Even then parents and youth willingly take risks and gamble their lives for greener pastures. Foreign ka Rishta is considered a blessing bestowed by God and is readily accepted as a lifetime opportunity. Mostly local parties don’t have enough time and resources to get required details and in fear of missing a good proposal, they take hasty decisions.

 There is no doubt that overseas Pakistani community includes many talented physicians, engineers, computer programmers and entrepreneurs. They enjoy a luxurious life and travel back very often to the motherland. They are considered the privileged class with blue passport and foreign exposure. Relatives at homeland receive them warmheartedly and entertain them at their best to get sponsorship or marry their children in the family. Their young generation is considered a perfect lot with foreign degrees and modern lifestyle.

However, reality might be far different from the picture perfect projected by most people.Pakistani families abroad are facing serious problems of domestic violence, alcohol and substance abuse, marital problems and generation gap that are closely linked with culture shock, unemployment and financial crisis. From just one organization dealing with domestic violence in the south Asian community in the 1960s, there are now dozens of organizations scattered across the United States that shows the rising family malaise in the South Asian community.

 Irrespective of class, education and financial status, women are facing almost the same dilemma in most immigrant families. A founder of an advocacy group for South Asian women in America says that she often encounters rich lady doctors and computer professionals coming with bruises and black eyes. These women with high degrees and respectable position in the society are not even allowed to handle their accounts by their abusive husbands.

According to a case reported in Apna Ghar, “A young Pakistani medical college graduate marries a promising engineer in the United States. Her husband locks her in their Chicago apartment everyday while he goes to work. He takes all phones in the house with him. When he returns home, instead of treating his lonely young wife nicely, he beats her.

Offenses against women are varied from beatings to verbal abuse, threats of exile and financial control. Though it’s not the norm and there are many decent families abroad, which prefer marrying their children in Pakistan. However fraud and breakups in inter-country marriages have alarmingly increased.People are cheated not only by strangers but also by their own blood relations.

Huma and Shagufta are living examples of it. Huma was engaged to her cousin who went abroad for higher studies. She waited almost eight years for him who delayed marriage on one pretext or the other. Later they discovered that he was happily married for three years and also had a child.

Shaugafta had rather worse experience. She was married to son of her father’s friend. Due to old relations, they had no doubts about the young man. After Nikah on telephone, she flew to Australia to reside with her husband. Initially he treated her very nicely but soon she realized that he had illicit relations with wrong people. He was involved with other girls and also pushed her to entertain his friends. When she refused, he made her life a hell. She was not allowed to go out, mingle or mail to anyone without his permission. Luckily she was able to contact a friend when her husband was out on his work. Ultimately her parents reached to take her back and registered a divorce case against him. This way her dream marriage came to an end.

Most overseas Pakistanis require rather housekeepers than wives and they prefer Asian girls because they are expected to be docile, patient and excellent household worker. Others are caught between two cultural planes. A woman’s dual roles of home-maker and wage earner put pressures on her, add to it the demands of a traditional South Asian husband. When the woman rebels and demand equal rights to work, socialize and groom, differences arise. In absence of family support, women become more vulnerable and dependent on their partners who treat them as they like 

Adjustment in an alien society with a different environment, life style and priorities is not an easy task for most of the girls and even for boys who are pampered at home. They feel isolated and misfit. In this situation, they need their partner’s cooperation. But most Asian males abroad are too ambitious and demanding to spare time for emotional needs of their wives. Thus a large majority of Pakistani and Indian women, especially house- wives suffer from depression. They hardly have any outlet, closed friends or family, to share their feelings. It’s perhaps the root-cause of failure of inter-social marriages in most cases.

Besides the role of Asian families and community is not very positive in this regard. Pakistani women face abuse not only from their husbands but also from in-laws. When Mumtaz Akhter joined her new family in New York she was treated as a maid who had to take care of all the housework. Her husband, brother-in-law, his wife and kids would never take her along on their social outings and neither was she introduced to any of their friends who visited their house. When her husband blatantly took on a girlfriend, Akhter walked out and turned to an NGO for help. “She felt suicidal and worthless and went through a lot of psychological treatment.

Hamida, founder of Hamdard organization providing assistance to Asian Community, says, “Over the last ten years there has been a mushrooming of abuse compounded by the extended family.” She blames dual jobs, shifting of the balance of power and cultural pressures for breaking up marriages in Asian families.

According to a British report, Asian victims of domestic violence are suffering in silence because of language barriers, fear and the attitudes of Asian males. Women, particularly those unable to speak English were in the worst condition.Labor Member of Parliament (MP) Anne Cryer, who wants a crusade against violence on Asian women, says half the Asian women in her Yorkshire constituency of Keighley speak little or no English. They were brought to Yorkshire fromPakistan after marriage. They don’t know how to achieve their rights and handle their violent husbands in an alien society. Mostly mothers-in-laws get involved in beatings, or at least in covering up beatings. Pakistani community abroad usually covers up domestic violence. Women who suffer are targets of shame because people think they have done something wrong.

The agencies that are supposed to help Asian women seeking escape are not equipped to deal with the problem. They need to work together and be more accessible to Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Indian women. Asian and bilingual staff, safe spaces and support groups are needed to make it effective. Besides, the behavior of abusive men needs to be challenged and an education program is required.

Besides parents and youth must realize the fact that every foreign proposal can’t be ideal and needs to be investigated thoroughly before approved. Life abroad is not a bed of roses. It’s rather more difficult and demanding in absence of community and family support. In our country, majority of us lives like royals. We have maids, sweepers and drivers to serve us. But abroad people have to do all cleaning, washing, cooking and grocery themselves. They are treated as second-class citizen and live a mechanical life at the cost of cultural and identity crisis that leaves irretrievable imprints on them

door kai dhol suhanai

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HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY… !

Happy Valentine's Day...courtesy Wikiepedia

               

   To love and be loved is an innate human instinct. Since inception of the universe and creation of the human race, love exists and might survive till eternity. Mankind witnessed numerous immortal stories of love and sacrifice.

It is natural that every couple on this path assumes themselves Laila Majnoo, ready to face stoning of Zalim Samaj in yearning of each other. Every enthusiast is swearing to dig out a lake of love from the barren mountains of worldly differences for his Shireen, though he might fail to provide her a glass of clean water in the modern world.

The sage of love is universal, however, it’s changing with the fast-paced world. So Shakespeare’s lovable Juliet and gentleman Romeo seem characters from ancient classics nowadays. In the modern practical age, love birds are not so naïve to waste their entire life in the wish of one kind look or devote all their loyalties to a beloved.

Life becomes busy and people get smart… so smart that they instantly fall in love with a lovely girl (preferably with sound background) and a gorgeous guy (looks even better in a new model car with a promising career). As soon as eyes meet, love is emerged and in the same jet speed often vanished for trivial reasons. Needless to say, sweethearts today are not worth more than accessories, preferred to be changed to suit one’s mood, style and status.

Love—– that used to be one of the most pure and true of human emotions has been commercialized (thanks to the modern media and materialistic culture). It has always been the heart-favorite theme of every second soap, film and novel, often depicted with saleable  mirch masla.

In the past , when a person fell in love, s/he dedicated all his/her life and energies to the memory of the beloved, write poetry in his/her praise and keep it personal as a sacred secret. But now lovers do not have enough leisure and patience for all such pranks, so they devote a day to their beloved and popularize it as “Valentine’s Day.”

As the dictionary says… February 14 is the day when birds are supposed to pair (are we human beings trying to imitate them); the day when sweet-hearts chosen and letters, pictures, flowers and gifts are sent to the beloved. Media and multi-nationals realize the potential of the ancient ritual and contribute immensely in projecting Valentine’s Day as the D Day for true lovers. It is thus  adopted and followed with so much zest that  anyone who dare not to celebrate it seems either deprived or ignorant.

Valentine’s Day—that once was a part of the history books has turned into the most sought after celebration in the youth world over including Pakistan and India, thanks to the  transnational mass media that has blurred all the geographical boundaries and make us receptive to anything and everything with the tag of cool, alien and in vogue for fun and entertainment.

I am not a cynic who is against celebrations; fun and love especially in the environment where hatred and differences of all kind prevail . But the way these special days such as Valentine, Father, Mother, Friend’s and Teacher’s days are commercialized and turned into a compulsory ritual is abusive. 

All my sympathies are with the poor husbands, wives and devotees who are compelled to celebrate Valentine’s and face quarrels and arguments in case of deviance. I have known to several such couples who had fights on Valentine’s day since the partner (mostly boyfriends or husbands) fail to celebrate  it up to her expectations.. which is often judged against the value of others valentine gifts and celebrations.

And BTW….Happy Valentine’s to all the true and forged lovers…at least they have someone to make them feel special or fool and congratulations to all those smart souls who are free from the clutches of the hormonal disorder which in Ghalib’s view is nothing but the defect of the mind…!

Happy Valentine's Day... Courtesy Google search

Drawing room torture published in Dawn Magazine

before we finally met…!

Are you a damsel not engaged yet? If yes, then you must be aware of the “Drawing Room Torture”, which in our culture is more sophisticatedly known as Larki Dekhna or Bar Dikhawwa. No matter which social class you belong to, you will have to go through this irritating, humiliating and sometimes unbearable process until or unless you are chosen by some wise, old ladies for their extraordinary sons and brothers whose demands and worth increases in direct proportion to their financial status and degrees. And God forbid, if they are settled abroad or have a foreign degree, then they are in search of such Hoor Parees who are especially created by God for their Chands.

Physical beauty is the first and foremost, if not the only condition, set by our superficial society for the acceptance of a girl as an ideal wife and sought after daughter-in-law. Perhaps this is the reason why most men automatically fall in love with pretty facesrather than ordinary ones. Appreciation and attraction towards beauty is something natural and so is the demand for a good looking partner, but the rigid standards of appearance defined by boys and their families are utter nonsense.

More unreasonable is the way they search almost every house of the city for their beauty queen, visit dozens of drawing rooms, digest trays of snacks with liters of drinks and as the girl enters and sits on the sofa to meet them , they stare and question her irritatingly. When the girl does not come up to their expectations (which is more often the case, asnot every girl looks like Karina and Katrina), they react like ill-mannered children –suddenly put their plates back on the table, raise their brows and noses, refuse everything and pick up their bags to leave and explore other houses. Their bitter facial expressions make them so ugly that if they see their own faces at that moment, they forget to demand a Gori Chitti Hoor with twinkling eyes, roman features, doll face and snow white hair (at least).

Even if by mistake a girl comes up to their mark, her turmoil doesn’t end here; second and third visits are arranged on the pretexts that the Phupi or Khala or married sisters of the boy want to see the girl and then the eligible bachelor himself wants to see her because Aaj kal to aaisa hota hi hey…! (this is normal nowadays). But who tells them that why can’t they bring all concerned who are engaged in the match making decision on their first visit?

Hardly ever is a girl lucky enough to clear all these qualifying rounds smoothly, otherwise she can be rejected on numerous false excuses like they did Istikara (judgment from omens) and it was negative. Now if they really believed in Istikara, why hadn’t they done it when they made first visit to the girl’s house? And many a times the boy’s family doesn’t even bother to inform the girl’s family about their decision and leave them confused.

This process of Larki and Larka Dekhna is quite exhausting and time consuming to both the parties and mostly arranged in an artificial drawing room environment where every one performs one’s role like an actor on a stage. The leading characters of these soaps are those Rishtey Walian or match makers who are known as Khala, Appa, Aunty or Mrs. XYZ and who arrange initial meetings between the boy’s and girl’s family. Some of them pursue it as a profession while others as a hobby or for Sawab(at least as they claim though they don’t mind taking gifts or nazranas in case of settlement from both the parties).     

What usually happens is that, the girl’s family is informed in advance about the arrival of the boy’s relatives. Preparations are started, refreshment arranged and drawing room is set to stage the meeting. Amma and Abba rehearse their dialogues in praise of the endless qualities of their daughter and are ready to give their best performances. The girl is instructed to put on an artificial smile, get all dolled up and speak very little to present herself as a shy, subservient and modest creature who is meant to please everyone.

On the other side, the boy’s family members also come in their best clothes and in theirbest car, if they have any, to show their status and mothers never forget to wear their gold bangles and jhumkas at the occasion. They behave in a typical privileged class manner as they are the Larkay Walay.

In this entire episode, boys and girls are not completely innocent Many-a-time it is the high ideals and unrealistic demands of boys and even that of girls as well which create problems for parents. In our orthodox society where love marriages are still not likable a option and where most of the youngsters leave this important decision of life at the whims of their elders, Larki and Larka Dekhna has become a ritual for matchmaking.

There might not be any harm in the process, however, both boys and girls along with their families require to have a realistic approach towards mate selection. They need to keep their heads on their shoulders and look for human beings rather than angels. Besides, rather than searching out every house of the city, relying upon middle women and taking impressions from planned meetings, choosing a match from family, friends or acquaintance circles on the basis of informal interaction is a much better alternative. Even if when such formal visits of dekhna dikhana are indispensable, one should respect other parties dignity and must not misbehave or hurt anyone.

As James L. Framo says, “People do not marry people, they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images and the exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is.’’

The article was published in Dawn Magazine around a decade back… still seems relevant! What do you think ? Share your experience and opinion candidly 🙂  

Wedding Extravaganza published in Dawn Magazine

It was one’ o clock… the entire locality was wrapped in tranquility in a cold winter night when suddenly wild drum beats shattered the serenity of neighborhood and arouse the residents from slumber. Children started crying and adults panicked unless they realized that it came from a nearby house where a mehndi function was underway. The noisy party continued for more than three hours, accompanied with dissonant sounds and songs. Most of the neighbours were unable to sleep properly and got late for their school and offices the next morning due to disturbance at night.The Following night, again the entire vicinity was exploded with firework and air firing when the barat departed and returned in the wee hours of the night. No one even thought of complaining about this noisy fervor since such irksome acts have been accepted as a part of nuptial merriment and other celebrations in our society. With each passing day, marriage ceremonies are becoming excessively extravagant in Pakistan. This occasion is often misused for the display of wealth and status. We, as a nation, have lust for food, fun and partying and weddings are one rare occasions to show off. Thus rather than appreciating and encouraging the ban on food served at weddings followed by one-dish ordinance introduced some years ago, majority people criticized it and found ways to escape the restriction. It is roughly estimated that millions of rupees are annually spent on wedding feast as a ritual and status symbol. And the worst part is that a lot of food is wasted at weddings. In the past, weddings were considered a family affair. Relatives, friends and neighbours were gathered at the bride’s and grooms’ house and enjoyed simple rituals. However, now everything has been commercialized from costumes to jewellery and from customs to cuisine. The cost of a bridal dress can easily vary from five to six digits and now groom’s outfits are becoming more elaborate and expensive. Considering the fact that these wedding dresses are seldom worn afterwards, the spent is a sheer wastage just for one evening. Besides this, dozens of costumes are arranged for bride, groom and relatives as a part of dowry and bari that consume major wedding expenses. Most these dresses are heavy and become outdated only after a few months. The irony is that we all realize that money is wasted on several unnecessary things at the weddings but no one is brave enough to resist or deviate from it Experts’ services are now widely advertised by local media especially on TV channels in almost all morning shows to plan the dream day exclusively and outclass rest of the wedding ceremonies in family and friends. Apart from mayoon, mehndi, barat and valima, several new gatherings are now arranged in the name of rang, ratjaga, cothi, chala and other such mindless customs. Influenced by the flamboyant weddings depicted in foreign movies and plays, now widely copied at local TV channels, our festivities are currently considered incomplete without mandap, bhangra, dandiya (stick dance) and of course, jazzy dance numbers on the beat of which dance and singing competitions were arranged between bride’s and groom’s families which often trigger conflicts between the two parties and lead to quarrels at such occasions. Party singers, drum-players and performers are also hired for the event. Recently, we were surprised in a mehndi function when professional dancers started mujra to entertain the guests. The cost of staging weddings goes up to millions and even billions and even those who can’t afford it, take loans to meet the cost. In some cases, especially in small towns and villages people mortgage their property and get indebted for the rest of their lives. How do you perceive the entire situation…? Shall we continue celebrating our weddings and other such occasions as outrageously as we do now. No matter if we have to take loans, intercede others’ privacy and peace through noisy recordings, late night festivities and firework. Or shall we raise a voice, register our protest and above all initiate to get rid of costly, intruding and time-wasting customs and celebrations…?

drumbeaters loudly announce groom and barat's arrival